Character Assassination; Gossip in Marriage

(Here are some convicting words.)

"So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church" - Ephesians 5:28, 29

"An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life." - Proverbs 31:10-12

"It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay." - Ecclesiastes 5:5

"For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies." - 2 Thessalonians 3:11

"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." - Titus 2:3-5

Character Assassination: noun An attack intended to ruin someone's reputation. (WordNet)

Gossip: noun A report (often malicious) about the behavior of other people. (WordNet)

Busybody: noun A person who pries into or meddles in the affairs of others. (Dictionary.com)

Slander: noun An abusive attack on a person's character or good name. (WordNet)

Cherish: verb To care for tenderly; nurture. (Dictionary.com)

Vow: noun A solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment. (Dictionary.com)

Trust: verb To have or place confidence in; depend on. (American Heritage Dictionary)
-
(The following taken from articles by Dr. Randy Carlson - FLR)

Keeping Gossip About Your Marriage Off The Grapevine
-
Gossip is significant -especially when related to husbands and wives. I like to refer to one particular passage of the Bible: Proverbs 16:27-28 says:
-
"A scoundrel plots evil, and his speech is like a scorching fire. A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends."
-
Did you see that? A scoundrel plots evil and a gossip separates close friends.
-
I cannot think of a single instance where someone felt good after discovering that a spouse, friend, family or co-worker was gossiping about him or her behind their backs... When you talk about people without their input you are hurting them... What good can come of that situation?
-
In Scripture, gossip is brought together with such qualities as quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, arrogance and disorder (2 Corinthians 12:20). There is nothing good or helpful about gossip mentioned anywhere in the Bible.
-
And what of spouses?
-
A good pillow fight can work wonders in a marriage. It's a safe way to let loose some pent up aggression and have a lot of fun in the process.
-
But be aware you may have a mess to clean up afterward - quite literally, that is, if the weapons of your warfare are old-fashioned feather down pillows. As the feathers fly, you'll notice it's nearly impossible to catch them all. No matter how meticulous you clean, there's always a feather or two that'll never find their way back into the pillow.
-
The same holds true for gossip. It's like feathers getting out of a pillow, blowing in the wind. You can't stop it from spreading around. Gossip is like a communicable disease that separates and injures people...and if the gossip happens to be about something you wished to keep within the confines of your marital relationship, it can be harmful indeed to you and your spouse [if your intent is to harm your spouse, then you need to check were your heart is at and repent].
-
Where does gossip lay when it comes to spouses? Well, it isn't pretty. When you get into gossip about your own spouse - talking to friends or family negatively about what was said at home or what has happened behind the closed doors of your marriage [whether it's true and accurate or not] -you encounter two very real dangers.
-
1) You are unaccountable to your spouse.
Have you ever started talking to a group of friends about sports or the latest movie and find you all agree? Feels good, doesn't it? The fact is we all like to be heard and feel as though we are part of something, be it a group of friends or a group of gossipers. When you begin talking about the perceived "bad stuff" in your marriage to friends or others, you feel good about unloading everything (especially if they sympathize)...and ultimately you can start to believe what you are saying without accountable, responsible feedback. The only way to be accountable and faithful is to discuss your perceptions with your spouse...not with others.
-
2) You hurt your spouse.
When you begin relaying your problems to a friend or person of the opposite sex, you are ultimately breaking your marriage vows and heading towards temptation. By revealing details or gossiping about your spouse and, in turn, being comforted by a person of the opposite sex, you are developing intimacy with that person! You should never develop intimacy with anyone other than your spouse, regardless of the situation.
-
As Scripture says in Ephesians 5:31-33:
-
"'That is why a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a great secret, but I am talking about Christ and the church. But each individual man among you must love his wife as he loves himself, and a wife must respect her husband.'"
-
There should be no other person involved. To involve another female or male is to share yourself with another, whether you think so or not. The only result can be pain.
-
[Another] quick look at Scripture reveals God's view on gossip - and He hates it:
-
"The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts." Proverbs 18:8
-
"A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much." Proverbs 20:19
-
"Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down." Proverbs 26:20
-
Each one of those passages brings out a specific negative characteristic about gossip that teaches you much about its destructive nature. Your marriage will be adversely impacted by words of dissension, betrayal and quarrelling. The Bible assures you that'll be the result when you don't keep issues within the privacy of your marriage.
-
So how can you guard your relationship from the dangers of gossip? Here are two quick tips:
-
1) If there's been a problem in your marriage - such as an affair, pornography or something similar in scope - be careful who you share that with outside your marriage. Later, as you start to rebuild your marriage, you'll discover you have other people who know what's in the past and may still talk about it...and that will create problems. Only discuss these matters outside of your marriage in order to get help, such as with a pastor [or trusted Church counselor/elder].
-
2) Watch the "prayer chain." Within churches, these can be a great blessing, or a huge curse. Abused, prayer chains can be uniquely Christian method of spreading gossip. If you're having a marital problem, I don't recommend that you go on the prayer chain and start saying all the bad things about your spouse in order to get people to "pray" about it. If you genuinely want prayer for your marriage, start with those things in your life that you'd like to see change. That places the focus firmly on yourself and not on your spouse.
-
An extremely effective way to build trust and affection in your marriage is to keep your dirty laundry - no matter how small or great it may be - hidden from others [co-worker, friends, family...]. This isn't being dishonest or hypocritical. This is an act of protection for your marriage that will allow you, and only you, as husband and wife to solve your problems and work forward toward healing and greater intimacy with God's help. Give the Lord the issues in your marriage. He's sure to keep things quiet.
-
[It's never to late to start.]
-
"Do not trust in a neighbor; Do not have confidence in a friend. From her who lies in your bosom Guard your lips. For son treats father contemptuously, Daughter rises up against her mother, Daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; A man's enemies are the men of his own household. But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me." - Micah 7:5-7